- I am really not worthy of getting my PhD because:
- My work sucks
- I didn’t learn enough
- I was never smart enough to begin with
- And I knew that before I started so why did I waste my time trying?
- But even if none of the above is true… I’LL STILL NEVER FINISH BY APRIL!
But all those points aside (and the last one actually is a reasonable argument) I still don’t want to keep writing this. At one point this summer, I’d decided I wanted to finish this thesis, even if it wasn’t getting published. Even if I wasn’t getting the PhD. I wanted to at least finish it up and throw it on the archive or something. I wanted to have that tome that I wrote.
And now I don’t. I just want to lay down this task that feels like nothing but a burden. Worse than that, it feels like a waste of my time. A waste of my adviser’s time and my wife’s time and my adviser’s awesome assistant’s time (who sometimes I feel puts in more time, energy, and effort into this than my adviser does).
Right now, while I’m utterly exhausted and sore from work and just kind of bleeeeh, I don’t feel any real emotion towards the PhD.
But it does open some different doors I couldn’t otherwise. And some of those doors are really cool. Not just ‘great opportunities’ or high paying jobs, but I’ve seen postings that have made me perk up and think it sounds like a fun thing to do… and then get paid for. I know there will be differences between my imagination and reality, but when it at least (on paper) sounds fun, that’s a lot better than most anything else, right? Better than where I’m at now.
So…. I don’t know. Either way: I’m working my laptop tonight. I think any more than that is a waste. Because sometimes you need to know when to just stop.